Balance. What's that?

For me [and long before children] it's always been about creating balance. With my all or nothing personality (or is it my ADD?) balance tends to elude me. I just get so completely immersed. Fantastic for what I'm immersed in, not so great for what I'm not. 10 years ago, before I started my own design business, it was finding the balance between 12 hour days in an ad agency and my personal life. I was, what you call, highly motivated. Your go-to gal. Deadlines were deadlines and you stayed glued to your monitor until they were completed and then (only then) you could go collapse.

Later, it was finding the balance between working at home and shutting down to actually enjoy being at home. Shortly after, it was cramming all my deadlines into 3 days a week so I could, i dunno, pretend I was retired for the other 4? I would run errands, take care of our home, our farm and all the animals that implies. I recall snickering to myself that I could work in my pajamas while on conference call with New York. Fast forward several years. With great anticipation, we are now a family. We are so thoroughly blessed and incredibly grateful. As far as balance, yep, it has shifted again.

As an infant, my pumpkin slept so much that I could maintain a good pace. My husband, bless his heart, he has watched his motivated wife go through so many stages these last few years. For so long I was spending like i still brought home a full time salary. Dangerous territory with a husband who checked out when he was stressed and a wife who kept causing said stress. Ugly cycle. I've come full circle, (growing up? hmmm. perhaps!) I admit, and I do hunger to stretch my creative legs again as I'm burning the midnight oil tonight, but come morning --- it's all about ponies, princess crowns & cheerios, and I soooooo love that too. Fortunately Chad and I are both on the same page. She has her mommy's guidance sun-up till sun-down. Although I'm quite strict, I'm also the goofiest playmate i know. There's that need again, balance.

Right now, my daughter is 2. I've (all too eagerly it seems?) put my workload in a perpetual holding pattern. Yes there are project exceptions, but mostly mommy-mode-for-me. Recharging my creative battery while wearing my new mommy hat is beautifully decadant. Well, I'm once again bursting with creativity all while truly realizing I am the luckiest mommy on the planet. [did i mention I'm my darling's personal color crayon artist?!!!] and am finding it hard to run a design firm when Bert & Ernie are my biggest (non-paying) clients! I neeeeed the creative outlet my designs bring me. There I said it. I crave the blank canvas of my Quark document. The beauty is, I have never enjoyed my life more than as a mother. To compensate I need to be more selective of the jobs I seek and ultimately the projects I take on. So don't stop calling me my precious precious clients!!! It's a win-win! Downside to my part time gig? translates to way less income. With MY impulsive nature? Being thrifty is not my strong suit, but I am learning (thank you for your recent sermon Pastor Tim) ... stuff is just stuff. period.

In my marriage, my life, my balance ----- my saving grace has been prayer and my faith in God. I'm constantly reminded that when I try to control everything on my own, well... that is when I feel the most overwhelmed and defeated (and depleted). Matthew 19:26 Jesus looked at them and said, "With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible." I could not agree more.

And last (but definitely not least) I need to give a shout out to Chad. I do have such an amazing husband who is such a wonderful dad. He makes raising our child that much more fun and that much easier to do because he is so hands-on. But at the end of the day, like all moms, you realize you get through it because you love your children, you love your life and the balance is just found.